I’m not necessarily new to the whole blogging scene, but I am quite rusty. So please, bear with me. That said, I thought I would start off this blog by making an acknowledgment. An era in my life has come to a close, while a new, much brighter one has thankfully begun.
You see, for the last two years, I thought I had already entered the golden age of my personal life. I had met the girl of my dreams, or so I assumed. That’s right, I’m nothing special. Much like anyone else on this ball of dirt hurtling through the cosmos, my life became defined by the person I decided to share it with. It was a grave mistake, one that would take me a long time to figure out and one that I have only very recently come to acknowledge as the reality I created for myself.
She was supposed to be my everything. I wrote songs about her, told her I would marry her and did just about everything humanly possible to keep her satisfied with me. But there were dark moments in our relationship. I chose to ignore them, friends begged me to heed them. The truth of the matter is, I had fallen in love with someone not only extremely manipulative, but destructive, both to herself and me.
It has been two months since I opted to officially end things by severing all ties. Since then, I’ve gotten healthier physically, mentally, and emotionally, which provides evidence to the fact that a relationship does indeed affect each and every aspect of one’s life. Being with her, I had grown sluggish. She didn’t like me wasting time exercising, so I became increasingly unhealthy and, for the first time in my entire life, grew a bit of a stomach. She didn’t like me talking to certain friends and, if she wanted my attention, it was to be undivided. Needless to say, I grew increasingly anti-social. I let go of friendships I maintained for years at her request and have only now begun the rather long journey of redeeming myself to them. However, far and away the most affected area was my emotional state. Nothing pleased her for long. None of my sacrifices for her happiness or well-being were in the least bit good enough. I was terrified to speak to her regarding even the most minor concerns because she would angrily and vehemently spout abuses. Being with her, I constantly tried convincing myself I was the happiest I had ever been, when the opposite was much closer to the truth.
We became engaged. For a time, I wanted to believe that things would change for the best now that I had proposed with the ring she herself had wanted. Not even three months after, she called me up in the middle of the night angrily screaming at me over messages completely unrelated to her. But it was when she called me selfish that something finally clicked in my head.
I am not a selfish person. Even people who know me in a general sense are aware of this very simple fact. I give. I make it a point to because I wholeheartedly believe that the selfless stand to gain the most and the selfish stand to lose it all. So, as far as I was concerned, our relationship came to a close when she chose to accuse me of the one thing I consistently made a point of not being. I gave to her more than I have given to anyone else combined.
Suddenly, all of her other faults became glaringly apparent. Her outrageously violent temper, her selfish need to make everything about her, the ungrateful manner she demanded more from me all the while figuratively spitting on what I offered her. It was because of that singular moment, I was able to distance myself with much less pain than I thought conceivable. She made me feel nothing for her in an instant. After lovingly giving her my absolutely best, I now sat there knowing that I was already completely content going the rest of my life never hearing from her again.
That was the door that closed. Despite everything, she was the one person in my life who made me consider marriage. She was the only one I ever envisioned actually saying vows to and starting a family with. As empty as I was in regards to my feelings for her, I felt pain in the notion that I might never contemplate marriage again. I thought I would end up alone like I was before her.
Today, I made it a point finalizing everything. I removed her from every form of social media she was attached to, I blocked her phone number, and burned her photos. And I informed my friends. There were a few who had an inkling of what had occurred, but most wondered, asked me questions about upcoming nuptials. I thought it would be best to inform everyone all at once. My announcement was met with overwhelming support and I was reminded that never once in my life, until the day that relationship began, was I ever alone. That relationship proved to be a bigger blight on my life than anything else. I realized that for all my fear of loneliness without her, I felt the loneliest with her.
My life has made a turn for the better. I suppose the turn was so sharp, I simply could not see what was really awaiting me. As many have told me today, I deserve better. I intend to take that to heart. We humans so often have a habit of either undervaluing ourselves or, less unfortunately, overestimating our worth. My loving friends and family managed to make clear to me that I was a victim of the form, while she was guilty of the latter.
So what better moment than to start a blog about my every day life? As the say, when one door closes, another opens. I can’t wait to walk through it.